xxv. Alcohol

counting the cracks
in the concrete
coming "home"

breaking momma's back
again
& again &
a g a i n

_{just like you broke so many promises
again
& again &
a g a i n}

reaching for the door
knowing that it's locked
no key hiding under the doormat

_{wondering if it's really worth the try}

pounding on the       windows
weeping on the        doorstep
begging for               forgiveness

_{i must've done something wrong
if you won't let me inside}

i'm five years old again
wondering when you'll come home
wondering if you'll come home
wondering if you remember where home is
wondering if you remember who i am

_{wondering if you even care at all}

then you open the door
and there's alcohol in your eyes
cigarette smoke on your clothes
and a stupid
_apologetic?
grin on your mouth

and you're trying to cover up
hoping i won't see your fly undone

_{hoping i won't see all those empty beer cans
spill onto the floor
from the coffee table
or the empty cigarette packs
or that rolled up joint sitting in the ashtray
because i certainly can't see the area rug
under all of the above}

but i do
even if you've shut the door again
as quickly as you opened it

_{i wonder if you left your dignity
where the key used to be
under the mattress
but i won't check
for fear of what i might find in its place}

and for some strange reason
_pity?
i still don't understand
_guilt?
i get in the car with you
_love?
and i let you drive me home
_{i wonder how you stay between the lines
-- and at such a speed, too!}

when we get there
i turn to you and look for something to hold on to
hoping the words i won't speak shine through in my eyes
and persuade you to stay
and leave your lonely "life" behind
_{i wonder if you can understand that language
or if anything can reach you
from behind that numb shell of yours}

but i get out of your truck alone
and head for home
while you set sail to the west
to brave the seven seas of labatt blue
alone

_{and i wonder if you heard me say
'i love you, dad'
before you crawled back into your bottles
all alone
where you can't hear anything at all}